Poor Effort
posted on 2010-05-05 11:34:46
At LaGuardia airport, I entered the restroom and saw a penny in the urinal. If you really want your wish granted, you're going to have to try harder than that.
Rooftop Comedy Videos from NC Comedy Festival
posted on 2010-03-11 16:21:53
Rooftop Comedy is fun - they're a great organization that is connected to a number of clubs around the country, and they'll occasionally film and upload clips of comedians to their site. Here's a couple they uploaded of my performances in North Carolina this year:
And...
Scariest Conversation Ever Heard At The Post Office
posted on 2010-03-05 11:28:53
Heard one side of a phone conversation while waiting in line at the post office yesterday. If this is what happened every time I went to the post office, I'd mail a lot more stuff.
All following quotes are from a grizzled, not-really-blond lady who could have been 25 but looked like a really hard 50. Most are verbatim, as, once it became evident this was for real, I started furiously taking dictation by hand on the Sports Illustrated I was reading.
"I call my daughter every day. I won't lose her. I won't just give her up, like I did with Rick, where they were like, "you're a drunk, you can't have him," and I was like, "okay." Not again, I'll die before hand. Honestly, I'll kill myself. I'm a good mother."
"It's because I fucking tried to stab Eric. I was blackout drunk, I grabbed a butcher knife, I had no idea what I was doing. It's called a relapse, it's what people do. Shit happens. Fuck it. Big deal, he's not dead. They charged me with fucking assault, it's all squared up now."
"No, she doesn't know mommy's back in New York. She knows I have an apartment. She knows mommy and daddy can't live in the same house if mommy is going to stop drinking. We don't tell her too much."
(Editor's Note: I think you freaking do! I think you tell her plenty and a half! What are you leaving out? The make and model of the hand gun you plan to shoot daddy with?!)
"I can't wait to send you pictures. She can do half her ABC's and count to a hundred."
"Well, it's because everybody knows if I'm drunk. It's no secret, you can't hide it. With Eric, he smokes his little bit of weed, nobody knows."
DCFS, why don't you just start hanging out at the 21st street post office in Astoria. You'd have a field day.
NYC Blizzard 2010 / Newscasters Favorite Day of All Time
posted on 2010-02-11 10:48:15
New York got some snow yesterday. Kind of a lot of snow. Like almost a foot. What did this cause in both local and national media?
MASS HYSTERIA!
The basic message from the local news yesterday was:
Oh my God! The snow is NEARLY UP TO OUR KNEES!!! How will we ever survive?! When's George Clooney going to host OUR telethon?!?!
Locally, mostly what happened was that they read a list of cities and how much snow each city had accumulated for 5 hours straight, with occasional breaks to point out people who were cross country skiing in the park. This happened at least 3 times on the channel I was watching, each time with the reported acting as if this was the craziest/funniest thing she'd ever seen. Apparently, she'd never seen this.
Brian Williams on the national NBC Nightly News even went outside for the beginning of his half hour, just to show how intense this fluffy, pretty frozen water really was. But B-Will could only withstand a few minutes of the outdoors, and then, when such bravery expired, he returned indoors, much to the approval of his family who, I assume, feared for his life in the midst of such a winter wonderland.
I would not have been surprised to hear Williams gravely announce, "Not since Pearl Harbor have Americans been so blindsided..."
Here's a good, general rule of thumb - if a type of weather causes children and dogs to be extremely happy, and to run TOWARD it, then it's probably not something to be scared of.
Did I mention they pre-empted Days of Our Lives for this? What about my Grandma? Did the networks not think of her in all of this?
You know what would be a natural occurrence worthy of full day coverage? A hurricane. A particularly big tornado. Or, an earthquake. But none of those happened yesterday, so snow it is. Wait, what? Oh, an earthquake did happen yesterday? In Illinois? I had no idea. As a New Yorker, I was too busy stocking up on drinking water, candles and electrical tape, waiting for the snowpocalypse. (I know, it was a minor earthquake, but still.)
You know how crazy the blizzard made people? Yesterday, in New York, somebody mugged a dog!
In a mild blizzard, there are no rules! Every man for himself! That means you too, Lexie the tiny dog!
Whoah.
posted on 2010-01-31 09:42:18
I don't care what it says, that is most definitely not me.
Though his posture is outstanding.
Thanks, Google Alerts!
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8:00 p.m. |
New York, NY |
| August 2 |
8:00 p.m. |
New York, NY |
| August 5 |
8:00 p.m. |
New York, NY |
| August 12 |
8:00 p.m. |
New York, NY |
| August 15 |
8:00 p.m. |
New York, NY |
| August 23 |
7:30 p.m. |
New York, NY |
| August 25 |
8:00 p.m. |
Astoria, NY |
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